Taking A Break: A Post On Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

It has only taken me nearly 8 months of denial to come to terms with having Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. The depression part is diagnosed, but anxiety is only self-diagnosed as of now, but I'm sure my therapist will say the same. Generally, I think people should be more open about mental illness. There's a huge stigma surrounding mental illness. There's nothing wrong with speaking aloud about diabetes or high blood pressure or cholesterol, so why does a chemical imbalance in the brain have to be so different?

I believe this stigma also prevents people from seeking out the help they need and prolonging their treatment. However, I am a HUGE hypocrite. I've been scared to tell anyone. I have been in denial for several months. Even after my doctor suspecting me having PPD and referring me to a midwife who works with PPD in women, I was still in denial. I mean, I absolutely love and adore my baby. I feel connected and bonded to my baby, how could I possibly have this, right? I felt like I didn't "belong" in that category because I love my baby, I enjoy being with her, I've quickly and easily bonded with her.

The signs have been here all along. I've just been denying them. I've only been getting worse and worse since November because I've been so reluctant to get help. To even prove my anxiety point even more, I didn't want to go to my doctor and make it sound like I have postpartum depression because I was so scared they'd take Pia away. I would cry and cry over this worry and prolong seeking help. I'd try to reassure myself it was either the lack of sunlight in the winter or I was just in a funk I'd break out of at some point. I convinced myself I'd just try harder to be happy because you know, happiness is a choice according to some. I started reading books on happiness. I've signed up for one of those classes you can audit for free in Positive Psychology. I started my own Happiness Project where I'd make goals for myself, rate how well my day was and write one good thing that happened everyday in a gratitude journal and take a picture everyday of something I'm grateful for. Anything just so I didn't have to come to terms with PPD/A.

When I was pregnant, I read and read and read anything and everything I possibly could to prepare myself. I've never had much experience with babies or small children and never really had much interest in having my own family until meeting Arild. As much as I tried to prepare myself to make up for lack of experience, I wasn't prepared for this. Not in the least bit.

Now I'm putting a pen, well keys to it and writing about it. My thoughts are always so unclear and scattered, it's hard for me to verbally describe all of this. My doctor received a similar list of written symptoms from me as well. 2 months after Pia was born I started feeling so angry towards my husband without any good reason. I cried and still cry a lot, started worrying about everything, mostly worrying about not making this mistake and that mistake because anything could make Pia into a maladjusted adult who will grow to hate me. I am so incredibly terrified she'll grow up and not feel loved or like she doesn't have someone she can depend on.

 Arild and I both agree to not have any more children, partially because of this, partially because we feel our family is complete and partially because he and I really never wanted a large family. I will not get a second chance or a time to do things differently next time. I have this time and this time only with Pia. Most of the time when Arild leaves for work is when I get worse. I begin to feel so overwhelmed I have panic attacks, but it's not always when he's away, I also sometimes have them when he's home with me as well. The panic attacks are only getting more intense and I am always so scared when I'm having one I'm sure it only makes things worse. I'm so scared Pia will see me unraveling and get scared so I try to go into another room, but I've slipped up a few times. I call him often at work and he leaves to come back home and continue his work here at home with me.

My thoughts are completely scattered, irrational,  unclear, I'm completely exhausted, I'm angry, anxious, sad, guilty. I can never relax. I often feel like Arild and Pia don't deserve to have a wife/mother who can't even keep herself together. I feel like this isn't fair to either one of them and I always end up thinking I am ruining their lives. I am angry with myself because I just don't understand why this is so damn difficult. I knew it wasn't going to be a cake walk, I knew that. I was prepared for that. This is more difficult than I could ever imagine. I just don't understand why I think this is so difficult or why I can't get a grip and handle things. I am angry at people who don't have children because they have no idea, so I try to keep a distance from childless friends now. I am angry at women who do have children who just don't understand. I am mostly angry at myself for not fully enjoying this time and because it's impossible for me to describe motherhood as blissful. I am angry with myself because I just don't know what to do.

I feel like when she cries and cries she's trying so hard to communicate to me and I just don't understand. Is she eating enough or not enough? Why is she not sleeping? Is she too hot? Too cold? Is her development going to be harmed because she doesn't sleep 15 hours throughout the day? I am angry with myself because I feel like I can't be a good mom. There's just something I'm missing. I feel like I can't raise her on love alone. I always doubt myself and wonder if I love her enough. If I loved her a little more would I still feel like this? But how can I love her anymore than I do? I am angry at myself for not being grateful enough. I have a healthy baby, I stay at home with my healthy, happy baby and yet I feel like this. I feel so, so incredibly guilty. I am so livid with myself that I can't just be happy with that. I feel like this isn't fair to Pia or Arild and neither of them deserve this. After all, neither of them asked for this.

I feel like I've lost myself. I am so angry because Arild suggested I let go of some pride and tell the people I'm closest to about this. I know everyone is just trying to help, but I feel like all the wrong advice is said. I convince myself if I don't straighten up, Arild will divorce me or Pia will be maladjusted as she grows older. The rational side of me knows I am married to the one person in this world who will never divorce me. He thinks the thought of it is just absurd. The rational side of me deep down, or my former self knows I'm giving Pia the best childhood. How could she possibly grow up troubled? The rational side of me knows I'm a great wife and I adore and am adored by my hubs and I am a great mom, though most of the time I second guess myself. This is a vicious cycle because obsessing over these irrational thoughts sends me straight into a panic attack, which only reinforces the anxiety. My chest and throat already constantly feels squeezed, but then I feel restricted even more. I panic even more because I can't breathe and then Arild comes in to help me through it, reminding to to take deep breaths. I will have a panic attack if Pia cries and I can't figure out what is wrong after a prolonged period of time. I never realized until she came into my life that her cry would be the worst sound in the world to me because I just want to fix any problem.

More than anything, I feel overwhelmed, this is the predominant feeling I have. Like I'm just drowning and I can't get up for air. I just feel like I can never be a good enough mom because I have no frickin' idea what to do even 11 months into this. I feel completely defeated, helpless and like I just can't do this. On my really bad days I apologize to Arild over and over and over again for ruining his life. I do have good days and I do have several good moments throughout the day on my bad days, but all of these feelings are very intense when they are present.

I've wondered if a lot of how I feel has to do with Pia being a difficult sleeper, I don't think so. Even if she is sleeping, I'm often awake with worry or can't sleep for any particular reason. There are nights she's difficult and I'm very ok and can function on little sleep. There are nights we both sleep well and I'm very not okay. Of course I do think a good night's or a good month's rest would help tremendously, but I really don't think this is the problem. I think the problem is a bit beyond sleep deprivation.

I know this is temporary. I know it will pass at some point. The only thing is, right now, the past 9 months have been extremely difficult, more so than they already would have been. I know a lot of these feelings, the thoughts of second guessing myself and some of the stress is just a normal part of adjusting to motherhood, but a lot of it is very abnormal. I know what the problems are, I just don't know how to get out of this rut. This is why I'm going to therapy and hopefully with the therapy and medication, I can just get on with my life and be a better mom and wife. And who knows? Maybe Arild is right and by me putting aside some pride and being open about this, someone, somewhere might just say, "I was there too and it does get better."

With all of this being said, I'm taking a break. I've thought to myself, "If I just force myself to do this and do that, I'd feel better." I now know this is the wrong mentality. So for now, I'm taking a break from blogging among a few other things and putting my focus into being calmer and getting better.