Surviving the Distance Part 3

Ah, so picking up from where I left off… counting down the days…

We soon decided on this next trip in order to be a normal couple we needed to do a proper proposal. So we ordered our engagement rings. I ordered his and he ordered mine. Everything in our relationship has been planned and documented, so there are no surprises and that has included engagement as well.

During this harsh waiting period one Saturday night (Saturday has and probably always will be our night for quality time. It’s the night we sit and talk, hang out, watch movies or TV shows, play games, whatever) he thought it would be fun to look for tips on how to be more of a normal couple in long distance relationships.

Loving from a Distance <--- here’s the site we visited

Now, being 6 time zones away is quite difficult, but he has always been a bit difficult with sleep and when we started our relationship he suggested if anyone screws their sleep up it would be him as I have school and a changing working schedule to focus on. He forfeits sleep sometimes to spend time with me. He goes to bed early on Friday and sleeps in on Saturday just to stay awake until 6 in the morning or later his time so we can talk and hang out. On Sunday he sets an alarm to wake up and the cycle starts all over again. He has me spoiled with spending time with me, but I am grateful. He puts a lot of effort into assuring we have quality time and he gives up sleep in order to do so. I will of course be so happy when he no longer feels like he has to do this anymore.

For instance, New Years Eve for me has ALWAYS been spent alone. I once complained about this and he just told me not to worry, as long as he can help it I’ll never be alone again. So far I haven’t and I’m certain he’ll keep this promise. We celebrated 2011 together in both Norwegian and Kentucky time. He stayed up well past 6am to do so, but he did it and we celebrated 2012 the same Skyping the entire time. That was a major “awww” moment for me.

We have been so serious about trying to determine how the other person lives their life we also keep Skype up sometimes all night. We will be married and sharing the same bed and since I am what he likes to call a “crazy person” I want to assure myself I can share a bed with him. So far, so good. Very little snoring and once he pulled on my heart strings a bit as he appeared to be having a nightmare and started talking in his sleep….only one problem… I don’t understand spoken Norwegian!

Our special September day arrived and before picking him up I went into WalMart to buy some toothpaste and I needed to buy him a Coke and a few snacks he loves and I then sat in the parking lot took a few deep breaths to calm down a bit and I drove to the airport. After being pulled over by a policewoman for parking in the wrong lane, I decided to drive around and then had a text from him saying, “Eve, where are you?” I couldn’t believe I was late picking him up!

We were reunited with hugs and quick kisses and I was scared to have another run-in with that intimidating police officer again so I drove us to McDonalds just to find out it was so late they had already closed. We went home and had macaroni and cheese instead. :-)

Every trip we’ve had it’s sort of been our tradition to present one another with small gifts. I buy him his favorite American candy, Velveeta macaroni and cheese, t-shirts, and he gives me Norwegian chap stick (I’m notorious for losing it), magnets, books, my favorite Norwegian candy, etc.

Down by the Ohio river. 

Cute moment outside a park in Louisville, KY. 

A break from a very sweaty and competitive
 game of bowling.

I can't remember what we were talking about,
but he makes me laugh a lot. :-) 

Found a therapist couch and had to try it out on the
most sane person I've ever met.

This trip mostly consisted of meeting my family which was our goal and I think the response from family was good. Everyone seemed to like him quite well, but we also tried to be as normal as possible. We went to the movies, went to museums, walked around downtown Louisville, played disc golf in a park, did some wedding planning and bought my wedding dress, watched a couple of movies and TV at home, we went shopping together, I finally got to test my horrible cooking and to my surprise he liked everything I made him, we also went to a friend's wedding, met up with the reverend marrying us, we went out for ice cream and we took engagement pictures.

We decided to propose to one another the day after his arrival. I had to work that day, but managed vacation the rest of his stay, so we decided to wait until after I got off work. I arrived and I was so anxious and excited thinking as soon as I came home he'd propose... NOPE! We ate a late dinner, sat and talked for a bit and I think he wanted to torture me a bit with the anxiety before he finally mentioned maybe we should. He wanted to do a proper proposal and we know men in Norway wear engagement rings, but neither of us knew how that part worked, so we did the best we could. His proposal to me was a 3 minute long speech with him down on one knee, holding my hands cupped in both of his and smiling really big the entire time. My proposal to him was well, let's just say I'm not so good at proposals! It was planned, but it was very sweet.

Before even meeting we discussed how we are as far as clumsiness goes. He mentioned he has butter fingers and drops everything he gets hold of. Point proven when we went out to eat and he intended to put a slice of pizza on my plate, hot pizza ended up in my lap instead. :-) I altogether am just a horribly clumsy person. We never really understood the extent of this, but the more we are around one another the more light is shed on our clumsiness. He drops hot pizza in my lap, I drop a full water bottle on his foot. He bangs his head on a shelf, I elbow him in the eye. At least once a day he hurts himself or he's within my path of clumsiness and I hurt him.

The course of the few weeks he was here turned out great, but he soon left and we had another goodbye to go through. Same pain as before, but at this point we had grown more attached to one another and it was more difficult to let go, but we had to rip the band-aid off quicker this time as he had an earlier flight and I had to go into work earlier.

We returned once again to the people existing in one another's laptop. The first few weeks adjusting back were difficult, but it soon became normal to us again. What is interesting to us is that when we meet up, we're quick to warm up to one another and it feels very normal and like we've always been around each other, but it takes weeks to adjust back to normal. I think the most horrible part of it all is being with the person and trying so hard to burn every detail and savor every moment to place in memory and as we adjust back to being without one another the memory fades and we forget the details of the other person. I think this is quite possibly something that sets apart a serious long-distance relationship from a normal relationship. You have no choice but to be more keen on observations with behaviors, details, knowing the other person and you have to force yourself and be aware you have an emotional need to pay attention to such things.

The course of our waiting time we looked into our personality types. When he arrived here we decided to take pre-marriage counseling and actually found this very fun! We were questioned about this whether it was because of religious obligation or because we have problems and it's neither. We did online pre-martial counseling voluntarily and I would certainly recommend it to well, anyone. We took compatibility tests. We spoke of potential problems, potential situations and how we'd resolve them. We even applied my education to our relationship and if I were studying any related topics that could be applied to us personally, we’d talk about it. There’s really no better way to study for exams than that! We found it all very fun and it gave us insight on the other person as well.

I can understand the skepticism and criticism of some people and I can totally understand the points they make, but what I have a hard time understanding is some of the harshness of questions I've received as well as how quick to judge some people are. I do understand just as many or maybe more long-distance relationships fail as they do flourish. I do think I receive just as much criticism as I do praise. I am usually spoken to about setting up a “plan” in case things were to not work out or I’m given lectures on domestic violence. He's generally just "warned" about women in general and how "crazy" the opposite sex can be. HAHA!

I'm actually asked questions like, "What is your plan if divorce were to occur?"

Being as diplomatic as possible when having that question thrown in my face, my answer is this,"I'm not going into this just to have a Plan B. If you go into a relationship - ANY relationship - with that mentality then you're going into it with the wrong one. You're thinking of marriage like the relationship is disposable. Once you think of a relationship like that I think you're setting it up for failure." Which there is truth to that. Hence couples living together before marriage having greater risk of divorce. People live together and "test" things out first before deeper commitment have higher rates of divorce later.

Another related question, “What would you do if you had kids and divorced?”

It’s very hard for me to bite my lip and refrain from slipping into a rant when asked some questions. Again being diplomatic, “We’re not giving ourselves that as an option. When parents divorce, they end their relationship. When the child is grown, they end all their ties. However, the child lives the rest of their life being affected by divorce. How and why could I do that to my own kids? (who are non-existent at this point) Parents should be role models for the next generation and divorce shouldn’t be an option unless absolutely necessary.”

Speaking of living together, I'm also asked, "But you haven't lived with him. You don't really know what he's like!"

Well, in total I've lived with him 5 weeks or so. Of  course you're not going to know everything about a person from just being with them in person for 5 weeks but we see and talk to each other several hours every day. Maybe I'm a bit naive here, but I don't have to live with him first to decide whether I want to marry him or not. Living with someone should not be a substitute to marriage. We have talked about any annoying behaviors we have, any bad habits or personality flaws. If he can deal with my absent mindedness and I can deal with his picky eating, I think we'll be fine. If he can deal with me needing my own space from time to time so I can drift off into Evelyn-land and I can deal with him watching soccer (oh sorry, football!) every Sunday, then I think we'll be just fine! If I can deal with him correcting my English grammar then he can put up with me wanting to give “homeless” turtles a new home. He can sigh and moan when I lose my keys, shoes, purse, debit card, mind, etc. and I can deal with his needing his own things neat, tidy and in straight lines. He can comfort me and explain why I shouldn’t be hurt over something when I’m being overly sensitive and I can tell him he’s  too harsh and arrogant to someone when he’s being too logical and straightforward. I have no doubts about this. I really think we’ll do just fine together. It’s all about accepting the other person for who they are, right? Taking the good with the bad.

Overall, with this, I truly honestly think Arild will be the one needing more patience. He will have to put up with me as I will be the one more emotionally dependent, especially if I get homesick. He realizes this and is taking it upon himself to do all he can to make me as comfortable as possible in my new home and also planning an emergency trip back to family if needed. I really think I'll be fine, it's just the fear of homesickness that scares me. He has always told me he will try his best to take care of me and be supportive. I appreciate that. :-) I do think homesickness will be bound to happen. If I didn’t get homesick something would be seriously wrong. A constant reminder to help keep myself in shape when I get lost in fear of becoming homesick, in all reality, the world is getting smaller and it’s just a plane ticket away.

Another question I'm asked is, "Why would you move there!?!?" or "Is he in the Navy?"

Why would I move there? With this question, I've also learned of some very interesting stereotypes of Norwegians. I've been asked. "Aren't they all just peasant fishermen there?" or, "Aren't they the cold blonde people?" and even, "Do they speak German there?"  I'm even told comments like, "I hope you like ice caps and polar bears!"

Why would I move there?  Well, to be with Arild of course, but I have my other reasons for moving there. One being he has his life together much more than I do. Which is normal, he's nearing 30 and I'm in my early 20s.

And, no, he's not an American in the Navy, he's actually a Norwegian citizen.

And another question, “So, you’re in this long-distance relationship and you don’t worry about being cheated on?”

Um… no. Thankfully I’m with someone who could give a monk a bad name, but really I think this is where trust comes in the picture. We have no worries about infidelity. I also think lifestyle comes into play here. Both he and I are super introverted and well, as of now my life consists of work, school, no sleep, wedding planning and writing paper after paper after paper.

Or if I mention to someone I'm in a long distance relationship, I'm sometimes asked a sarcastic, "Oh really? How's that working for you?" I have no other perfectly honest answer than to say, "Well, it's the best relationship I've ever had and I'm marrying him, so I'd say it's going pretty great!"

My favorite, "This isn't some mail-order bride thing, is it?"

No, as hard as it is to believe, I love this guy and I'm 100% positive he loves me.

I think I'll break this down into a fourth and final part... to be continued....